foster care frustrations

*I am trying to blog every day about my thoughts, sort of a thought for the day. It won'tgo in a specific order. I am sorry if it feels disjointed. I want this process to be as organic as possible, not clinical instead emotional. Now, to the topic for today..

I am reminded often of the continuing struggle children in foster care have in society. Our society has made and continues to make progress in understanding the impact trauma has on a brain and behaviors. As a culture, we are still lacking in the implementation of the research. How many times can a child be told to stop utilizing maladaptive or negative coping skills when the child can't turn the alarm signals off in their brain because of the trauma? We can not expect a child to improve until the child feels safe, trusts the adults and effectively processes the traumas.

Also, so many children continue to slip through the system because instead of anger outbursts the child excels. These children are the "golden children". They have good grades, often excel at anything they try, and fit in well with peers and family. this sounds good, right? Yes and no. Again, there is research on this, if you want to read it.

Golden child?
Take myself for example: good grades, excelled at any sport I tried, good peer relationships and good social skills. I still remember the discussion with my last social worker (revolving door over my years in foster care, sporadic contact, often didn't even remember the name of the worker).. The worker reminded me to be good and how important it was to put "your best face forward". "This could be your last chance.". I knew I was almost a teenager, and it was probably my last chance. I wanted my family to be proud of me and not give me back.

Description of me
My foster care worker knew me so well she told my parents I was a sandy-blonde child who was very affectionate! I was a flaming red-head who most definitely was not affectionate, and did NOT trust adults!

My personal mask
Unfortunately, this created a mask. I couldn't keep it from cracking. I drank to cope. At first, I drank to fit in with my peers. It didn't impact my grades or sports - I wouldn't allow that. By my senior year the drinking was daily at times, drinking at school, binge drinking on the weekends. It was so bad my coaches stepped in and discussed having an intervention! When I drank I felt free, a freedom I never had sober, when I was constantly worrying about how to act and succeed. When I drank I could say whatever I wanted and blame it on the alcohol.

I stopped drinking regularly without need for help. I did have binge drinking at times for several years, but haven't had more than an occasional drink for almost ten years!

Pressure
What is the point of my story? Children adopted from foster care understand temporary and are taught to act a certain way to ensure staying in a home. Imagine the pressure of behaving all the time or being given away. It is hard enough for a child to behave when going to grandma's for the day, much less every day. For myself, this is how it felt for most of my childhood and adult years. Foster care scarred me, and unfortunately continues to scar other children. One only has to watch the news to learn..

Sick joke of the day: don't have a good joke today (as if yesterday's joke was funny)
How did the two vampires finish the race? They finished neck and neck! -provided courtesy of my 9 year-old son!

DISCLAIMER: I am describing my experiences and emotions, and mine alone. My blog does not give advice or take the place of therapy. :)