Wow!!

My siblings found our biological mother. I should be happy for them. I should be thinking about contacting her. What would I say to her? "I hate you."

No. "I despise you. I wish you were dead." Wow!

I am still hurting. Old wounds have been re-opened. I keep replaying events from my childhood - there is a reel-to-reel on constant play in my head with the sound on mute - the silence is deafening.

I feel alone, sometimes I feel exactly the same as the 8 yo little girl who went into foster care.

My brother told me I cared more about my barbie dolls when I was a child than I did people. I remembered.........playing with dolls, losing myself in making dollhouses and furniture from cardboard boxes, decorating everything with crayons and scraps of fabric, creating families and friends where everyone was happy and healthy. I lost myself in this world.

I am an adult now and will not want disassociate to cope. I am resilient. I know these feelings are occurring because of Cheryl's reemergence into my life through my siblings. I rationally understand I am not alone and am working through this in several ways. First, I am clearly not ready to speak with our mother. I may never be ready to, and that is okay. Second, it is time to acknowledge the pain I still carry from my childhood. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can admit pain without feeling weak. I am hurting, and am still strong. I can handle these memories and these emotions.

I am blessed to have an amazing adoptive family who accepts and loves me. I can lean on them.


my life

my life matters.
Yesterday can not ruin today.
Learning who I am and who I want to become.
I am worth loving,
Fleeing from the pain does not help.
Eliminating fear of the past - I am strong!