My siblings found our biological mother. I should be happy for them. I should be thinking about contacting her. What would I say to her? "I hate you."
No. "I despise you. I wish you were dead." Wow!
I am still hurting. Old wounds have been re-opened. I keep replaying events from my childhood - there is a reel-to-reel on constant play in my head with the sound on mute - the silence is deafening.
I feel alone, sometimes I feel exactly the same as the 8 yo little girl who went into foster care.
My brother told me I cared more about my barbie dolls when I was a child than I did people. I remembered.........playing with dolls, losing myself in making dollhouses and furniture from cardboard boxes, decorating everything with crayons and scraps of fabric, creating families and friends where everyone was happy and healthy. I lost myself in this world.
I am an adult now and will not want disassociate to cope. I am resilient. I know these feelings are occurring because of Cheryl's reemergence into my life through my siblings. I rationally understand I am not alone and am working through this in several ways. First, I am clearly not ready to speak with our mother. I may never be ready to, and that is okay. Second, it is time to acknowledge the pain I still carry from my childhood. I don't have to be strong all the time. I can admit pain without feeling weak. I am hurting, and am still strong. I can handle these memories and these emotions.
I am blessed to have an amazing adoptive family who accepts and loves me. I can lean on them.
my life
my life matters.
Yesterday can not ruin today.
Learning who I am and who I want to become.
I am worth loving,
Fleeing from the pain does not help.
Eliminating fear of the past - I am strong!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
generational curse ?
My son is experiencing increased anxiety (daddy is getting ready to deploy) and has had to have several medication changes. There is still some biological questions regarding bi-polar disorder with him. This terrifies me. I have very vivid memories of my mother's highs and lows, and her medication addictions. I don't want this for my children.
I have found myself cursing my biological mother out in my head and out loud several times, screaming "Why did you have to pass down your biological chemistry to my children? Why?! They don't deserve this! I don't deserve this! I hate you!" This is not healthy and only leads to increased depressive and anxiety symptoms for me, but I find it is still there in the back of my head.
My oldest brother gave me good advice and discussed generational curses and encouraged me to tackle mental health symptoms from the spiritual side. He encouraged me to continue the biological and chemical components - medication management, therapy, wrap-around services, etc, as well.
I do believe in God. I pray to him and he has answered my prayers. At the same time, this does not mean I don't question him and have blind faith at all times. Why us? Why our family? Why do children have to deal with the trauma caused at such a young age? I need the Bible and the psychological literature to understand this dilemma.
I want the curse to end. On my maternal biological side the dysfunction can be traced back 3 generations - with addiction, suicide, severe and persistent mental health illness and abuse/neglect of children. Several things have ended with my generation, because of adoption. I learned by observation, teaching and nurturing how to be a productive member of society and how to be a parent/spouse/friend. This does not mean there aren't days where I don't have to take a step back and ask myself "Is this healthy? Is this a rational or irrational response? Is this a trigger from my childhood?" It has taken me 38 years to learn how to ask these questions and utilize healthier coping and communication techniques. I still fight this curse, and fight is an appropriate verb - it is a fight for a healthy life.
I am praying for the ability to truly forgive my mother for her flaws, her abuse, her inability to parent. I am praying for the ability to forgive her because she gave me life. I thought I had forgiven her in the past. I realize this can not be true, as if you forgive someone you no longer have extreme anger, and I do. I don't want to have this anger and hurt. I am asking for help in prayer. Please pray for me to find this forgiveness. Please pray for all children who have been wounded to have forgiveness and peace in their lives.
Life after adoption is hard. I am thankful for my adopted family and for my biological siblings for loving me both before and after adoption.
BTW - I am going to Colorado to spend Christmas with my brothers. This will be the first Christmas we are together in approximately 28 years!
I have found myself cursing my biological mother out in my head and out loud several times, screaming "Why did you have to pass down your biological chemistry to my children? Why?! They don't deserve this! I don't deserve this! I hate you!" This is not healthy and only leads to increased depressive and anxiety symptoms for me, but I find it is still there in the back of my head.
My oldest brother gave me good advice and discussed generational curses and encouraged me to tackle mental health symptoms from the spiritual side. He encouraged me to continue the biological and chemical components - medication management, therapy, wrap-around services, etc, as well.
I do believe in God. I pray to him and he has answered my prayers. At the same time, this does not mean I don't question him and have blind faith at all times. Why us? Why our family? Why do children have to deal with the trauma caused at such a young age? I need the Bible and the psychological literature to understand this dilemma.
I want the curse to end. On my maternal biological side the dysfunction can be traced back 3 generations - with addiction, suicide, severe and persistent mental health illness and abuse/neglect of children. Several things have ended with my generation, because of adoption. I learned by observation, teaching and nurturing how to be a productive member of society and how to be a parent/spouse/friend. This does not mean there aren't days where I don't have to take a step back and ask myself "Is this healthy? Is this a rational or irrational response? Is this a trigger from my childhood?" It has taken me 38 years to learn how to ask these questions and utilize healthier coping and communication techniques. I still fight this curse, and fight is an appropriate verb - it is a fight for a healthy life.
I am praying for the ability to truly forgive my mother for her flaws, her abuse, her inability to parent. I am praying for the ability to forgive her because she gave me life. I thought I had forgiven her in the past. I realize this can not be true, as if you forgive someone you no longer have extreme anger, and I do. I don't want to have this anger and hurt. I am asking for help in prayer. Please pray for me to find this forgiveness. Please pray for all children who have been wounded to have forgiveness and peace in their lives.
Life after adoption is hard. I am thankful for my adopted family and for my biological siblings for loving me both before and after adoption.
BTW - I am going to Colorado to spend Christmas with my brothers. This will be the first Christmas we are together in approximately 28 years!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
We were kids - my brothers title to our story
I spoke to my brothers yesterday and when I hung up late in the evening I could not sleep and I could not talk. I was stuck in a world of memories, horrible memories and I had a panic attack. I haven't had one in years. It was not as bad as it used to be due to my utilization of relaxation and visualization techniques, and I was able to work through it. As I was breathing slowly i realized if it is like this for me what is it like for my older siblings who endured more abuse and had more cognitive awareness of the evil and sickness we lived in? That took my breath away again!
I also learned that my memories of those years are real. I was never sure and it is infinitely worse to know the truth of them. It was easier to have some denial of reality. This fear, I believe, is what has kept us apart for 20+ years - the depth of the pain and trauma. How could adults have done these things to children? How could a community ignore the obvious cancerous behaviors? They were not hidden. I now have more understanding into the reasons why my cries for help were ignored. I also can not ignore this truth - we are blessed to be alive. I knew the reason we were removed was due to my grandfather and his belief that we were in jeopardy of being killed. We were. It was all true. Pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place.
I know I can handle this now - one puzzle piece at a time. I also was able to share for the first time in my life a few traumatic events with my husband. These events are not for the faint-hearted and he listened. He didn't judge or hate me. He loved me. He has anger and disgust for the adults and was able to express understanding because.....we were kids! I was always terrified to share some things I endured or witnessed because I felt it made me damaged goods. If I couldn't handle them, how couuld I expect another person to handle it?
I am damaged. This doesn't mean I am bad or sick or unworthy. I need to let go of that fear and hold my head up high. We were kids! Nothing we did was wrong. We survived. I am now trying to forgive my abusers, not for them, for me. I deserve this peace. I will not publicly say their names - they know who they are. I will work on erasing the negative impact they have had on my life and find positivity instead. I am a better human being by walking through this hell. This is my light at the end of the tunnel.
My siblings are beautiful people created by God. Below are 10 signs of child abuse and information on reporting nationwide from The Angel Rock Project:
10 Signs of Child Abuse
1. Unexplained injuries.
Visible signs of physical abuse may include unexplained burns or bruises in the shape of objects. You may also hear unconvincing explanations of a child’s injuries.
2. Changes in behavior.
Abuse can lead to many changes in a child’s behavior. Abused children often appear scared, anxious, depressed, withdrawn or overly aggressive.
3. Age-inappropriate behaviors.
Abused children may display age-inappropriate behaviors, e.g., for older children: thumb-sucking, bed-wetting or fear of the dark.
4. Fear of going home.
Abused children may express apprehension or anxiety about leaving school or about going places with the person who is abusing them.
5. Changes in eating.
The stress, fear and anxiety caused by abuse can lead to changes in a child’s eating behaviors,which may result in weight gain or weight loss.
6. Changes in sleeping.
Abused children may have frequent nightmares or may appear tired or fatigued.
7. Changes in school performance and attendance.
Abused children may have difficulty concentrating and have excessive absences, sometimes due to adults trying to hide the children’s injuries from authorities.
8. Lack of personal care or hygiene.
Abused and neglected children may appear uncared for and may be wearing unsuitable clothing for the weather.
9. Risk-taking behaviors.
Young people who are being abused may engage in illegal activities such as using drugs or alcohol or carrying a weapon.
10. Inappropriate sexual behaviors.
Children who have been sexually abused may exhibit overly sexualized behavior or use explicit sexual language.
Some signs that a child is experiencing violence or abuse are more obvious than others. Trust your instincts. Suspected abuse is enough of a reason to contact the authorities. You do not need proof.
IF YOU SUSPECT A CHILD has been abused...
DO Keep calm.
Believe the child.
Show interest and concern.
Take action. It can save a child’s life.
DON'T Panic or overreact.
Pressure the child.
Confront the offender.
Blame the child.
Overwhelm the child with questions.
How to Report Suspected Child Maltreatment
Anyone can report suspected child abuse or neglect. Reporting abuse or neglect can protect a child and get help for a family—it may even save a child's life.
If you suspect a child is in danger, call 911 or The National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD
The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
The Hotline counselors are there 365 days a year to help kids, and adults who are worried about kids they suspect are being abused or neglected. You can call this number if you live in the United States, Canada, Puerto Rico, Guam or the U.S. Virgin Islands.
I also learned that my memories of those years are real. I was never sure and it is infinitely worse to know the truth of them. It was easier to have some denial of reality. This fear, I believe, is what has kept us apart for 20+ years - the depth of the pain and trauma. How could adults have done these things to children? How could a community ignore the obvious cancerous behaviors? They were not hidden. I now have more understanding into the reasons why my cries for help were ignored. I also can not ignore this truth - we are blessed to be alive. I knew the reason we were removed was due to my grandfather and his belief that we were in jeopardy of being killed. We were. It was all true. Pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place.
I know I can handle this now - one puzzle piece at a time. I also was able to share for the first time in my life a few traumatic events with my husband. These events are not for the faint-hearted and he listened. He didn't judge or hate me. He loved me. He has anger and disgust for the adults and was able to express understanding because.....we were kids! I was always terrified to share some things I endured or witnessed because I felt it made me damaged goods. If I couldn't handle them, how couuld I expect another person to handle it?
I am damaged. This doesn't mean I am bad or sick or unworthy. I need to let go of that fear and hold my head up high. We were kids! Nothing we did was wrong. We survived. I am now trying to forgive my abusers, not for them, for me. I deserve this peace. I will not publicly say their names - they know who they are. I will work on erasing the negative impact they have had on my life and find positivity instead. I am a better human being by walking through this hell. This is my light at the end of the tunnel.
My siblings are beautiful people created by God. Below are 10 signs of child abuse and information on reporting nationwide from The Angel Rock Project:
10 Signs of Child Abuse
1. Unexplained injuries.
Visible signs of physical abuse may include unexplained burns or bruises in the shape of objects. You may also hear unconvincing explanations of a child’s injuries.
2. Changes in behavior.
Abuse can lead to many changes in a child’s behavior. Abused children often appear scared, anxious, depressed, withdrawn or overly aggressive.
3. Age-inappropriate behaviors.
Abused children may display age-inappropriate behaviors, e.g., for older children: thumb-sucking, bed-wetting or fear of the dark.
4. Fear of going home.
Abused children may express apprehension or anxiety about leaving school or about going places with the person who is abusing them.
5. Changes in eating.
The stress, fear and anxiety caused by abuse can lead to changes in a child’s eating behaviors,which may result in weight gain or weight loss.
6. Changes in sleeping.
Abused children may have frequent nightmares or may appear tired or fatigued.
7. Changes in school performance and attendance.
Abused children may have difficulty concentrating and have excessive absences, sometimes due to adults trying to hide the children’s injuries from authorities.
8. Lack of personal care or hygiene.
Abused and neglected children may appear uncared for and may be wearing unsuitable clothing for the weather.
9. Risk-taking behaviors.
Young people who are being abused may engage in illegal activities such as using drugs or alcohol or carrying a weapon.
10. Inappropriate sexual behaviors.
Children who have been sexually abused may exhibit overly sexualized behavior or use explicit sexual language.
Some signs that a child is experiencing violence or abuse are more obvious than others. Trust your instincts. Suspected abuse is enough of a reason to contact the authorities. You do not need proof.
IF YOU SUSPECT A CHILD has been abused...
DO Keep calm.
Believe the child.
Show interest and concern.
Take action. It can save a child’s life.
DON'T Panic or overreact.
Pressure the child.
Confront the offender.
Blame the child.
Overwhelm the child with questions.
How to Report Suspected Child Maltreatment
Anyone can report suspected child abuse or neglect. Reporting abuse or neglect can protect a child and get help for a family—it may even save a child's life.
If you suspect a child is in danger, call 911 or The National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD
The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
The Hotline counselors are there 365 days a year to help kids, and adults who are worried about kids they suspect are being abused or neglected. You can call this number if you live in the United States, Canada, Puerto Rico, Guam or the U.S. Virgin Islands.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
good but scary news
I haven't been on here in almost two months, and I could give any number of rational excuses for this.....they would be just that - rationalizing. This blog has been hard for me. I started it as an avenue of healing for myself, and while it has been cathartic in some ways it has also been emotionally draining in others.
I have placed my emotions that have been contained for years on this blog. I have allowed the bleeding and pain to show, and have received love from my readers. Part of my family have told me the blog is too hard for them to read because it is so sad. I would say "Why is it so sad?" This is a blog of healing and humor until it hit me directly in my gut - it isn't! I have had such damage and loss that has impacted every particle of my being, of course it is sad. That would be why I cry everytime I am on the blog.
This insight has kept me away from here. I hadn't reached out to my siblings - I was too scared to do this. This action would actually force me to examine ME and all those emotions I didn't want to examine. My mom encouraged me, my friends encouraged me and I was still frozen. I have had physical health issues the past month impacting not only my quality of life but also my fear for my future. I had 3 tumors removed from my back a week ago which were causing debilitating back pain. The dr's weren't sure if they were cancerous (they were benign). Even with the fear of death I could not move forward on the blog or my family. I pushed it aside...
God, and I do believe this is from God, stepped in to unfreeze me and take this responsibilty away. My sister found me! She found my husband on Facebook. She than gave me my oldest brother's phone number and of course I didn't call him for 2 weeks, until she sent me a message today and encouraged me to call.
I called him today and he has my youngest brother's phone number and is going to give it to me. He has also been looking for us. The four of us are all - at the same time - wanting to reconnect.
Anthony wants us to all get together and talk about our childhood memories to let them go and move forward - to be a family again. I do too, but I am more scared than I think I have ever been in my life. I will have to experience so much that I have ran away from....
We are planning a get-together the end of August - just us - no children or spouses this time, a safe place to release the demons, to let them go. I am terrified. I can't hide from the pain anymore. This is really the purpose of this blog. My life is real and I had no childhood. I was 1 of 4 children who walked through hell and we are ready to walk through hell again to have our life, our existence, our family ties back. I am in awe.
Please give me the strength to do this. Please give me the strength to let all of the wall I have so carefully built.....fall down.
I love my brothers and sister. I love them so much and I love me too. We deserve this change to move forward and find peace. We deserve happiness! I want them to know this, and I want every child who has walked through hell to know it too.......you are worth it. You deserve happiness and peace.
I have placed my emotions that have been contained for years on this blog. I have allowed the bleeding and pain to show, and have received love from my readers. Part of my family have told me the blog is too hard for them to read because it is so sad. I would say "Why is it so sad?" This is a blog of healing and humor until it hit me directly in my gut - it isn't! I have had such damage and loss that has impacted every particle of my being, of course it is sad. That would be why I cry everytime I am on the blog.
This insight has kept me away from here. I hadn't reached out to my siblings - I was too scared to do this. This action would actually force me to examine ME and all those emotions I didn't want to examine. My mom encouraged me, my friends encouraged me and I was still frozen. I have had physical health issues the past month impacting not only my quality of life but also my fear for my future. I had 3 tumors removed from my back a week ago which were causing debilitating back pain. The dr's weren't sure if they were cancerous (they were benign). Even with the fear of death I could not move forward on the blog or my family. I pushed it aside...
God, and I do believe this is from God, stepped in to unfreeze me and take this responsibilty away. My sister found me! She found my husband on Facebook. She than gave me my oldest brother's phone number and of course I didn't call him for 2 weeks, until she sent me a message today and encouraged me to call.
I called him today and he has my youngest brother's phone number and is going to give it to me. He has also been looking for us. The four of us are all - at the same time - wanting to reconnect.
Anthony wants us to all get together and talk about our childhood memories to let them go and move forward - to be a family again. I do too, but I am more scared than I think I have ever been in my life. I will have to experience so much that I have ran away from....
We are planning a get-together the end of August - just us - no children or spouses this time, a safe place to release the demons, to let them go. I am terrified. I can't hide from the pain anymore. This is really the purpose of this blog. My life is real and I had no childhood. I was 1 of 4 children who walked through hell and we are ready to walk through hell again to have our life, our existence, our family ties back. I am in awe.
Please give me the strength to do this. Please give me the strength to let all of the wall I have so carefully built.....fall down.
I love my brothers and sister. I love them so much and I love me too. We deserve this change to move forward and find peace. We deserve happiness! I want them to know this, and I want every child who has walked through hell to know it too.......you are worth it. You deserve happiness and peace.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
lessons from family and friends
My mom has been reading my blog. I was nervous initially; and I am sure at times my blog is difficult for her to read. At the same time, it has created a wonderful dialogue between us. My mom has become a catalyst for me. She encourages me to follow-through with finding my biological family. I am terrified and find this debilitating. What if my father is dead? What if I find him and he wants nothing to do with me? My mom is giving me the encouragement to find the closure I need - even if the outcome is not pleasant, it still will give some peace.
A good friend of mine sent me an e-mail talking about her biological father and his comings and goings in her life and how while she was not in foster care she has had similar losses - she has empathy due to these losses. This has helped me step outside of myself further. While in my education I understood how all humans have pain it is only now I am truly empathizing with others, due to truly HEARING the other person.
I am 38 years old and feel as if I am just learning to emotionally walk and emotionally see people and things in a more open and honest manner. I have so little memories from my childhood. I find my high school memories are also vague - I lived my life in my head and have missed so much in return. My childhood caused this but I will not allow it to continue into more of my adult life.
It is amazing what this blog continues to cause - the ripple effect astounds me at times..... These are only words - heartfelt words but words nonetheless. I thought when I started this blog it would be for me and maybe other adopted children. I was going to use this blog to simply explain the impacts foster care and adoption has on a human. I didn't expect to learn so much and for that I thank everyone who reads my blog. You are teaching me to be a better human being and to embrace each and every day - even the rainy days!
My life after adoption continues to be a roller-coaster and continues to bring new challenges and I will continue the roller-coaster blog with you. I am contacting the state tomorrow to request my records from my years in foster care - wish me luck and I will keep you posted!
joke of the day courtesy of my 9 y.o. son:
What falls frequently and never gets hurt? -snow flakes
A good friend of mine sent me an e-mail talking about her biological father and his comings and goings in her life and how while she was not in foster care she has had similar losses - she has empathy due to these losses. This has helped me step outside of myself further. While in my education I understood how all humans have pain it is only now I am truly empathizing with others, due to truly HEARING the other person.
I am 38 years old and feel as if I am just learning to emotionally walk and emotionally see people and things in a more open and honest manner. I have so little memories from my childhood. I find my high school memories are also vague - I lived my life in my head and have missed so much in return. My childhood caused this but I will not allow it to continue into more of my adult life.
It is amazing what this blog continues to cause - the ripple effect astounds me at times..... These are only words - heartfelt words but words nonetheless. I thought when I started this blog it would be for me and maybe other adopted children. I was going to use this blog to simply explain the impacts foster care and adoption has on a human. I didn't expect to learn so much and for that I thank everyone who reads my blog. You are teaching me to be a better human being and to embrace each and every day - even the rainy days!
My life after adoption continues to be a roller-coaster and continues to bring new challenges and I will continue the roller-coaster blog with you. I am contacting the state tomorrow to request my records from my years in foster care - wish me luck and I will keep you posted!
joke of the day courtesy of my 9 y.o. son:
What falls frequently and never gets hurt? -snow flakes
Saturday, May 29, 2010
"you can't find peace until you have all the pieces"
This was a quote from "The Locater" on Oprah Winfrey. This is a person who helps locate biological family members. It resonated with me, as I am searching for that peace, a peace adopted children often crave. Does this mean an adopted child does not love their adopted family? Should the adopted family feel threatened? I can not answer for all adopted children..........for me, no, my family should not feel threatened. I love them and know I am loved.
Who am I?
My father's name is John Robert Wills. He was married to my mom (Cheryl Crabbs-maiden name) approximately in 1971-1974'ish. I was the first born child of this union. I have a brother born 2 years after me - John Robert Wills Jr. - we called him Johnny. I have vague memories of my father. I know he was a tall, slender man with brown hair. I can not even remember his eye color. I remember feeling loved with him. My grandfather used to tell me stories about how much my father loved me, how I was the apple of his eye and he cuddled with me. I tend to believe this due to the lingering nurturing memories I have of him.
My last memory of my father was shortly before we went into foster care. I had not seen him in several years, and he showed up at our house. I did not recognize him or believe him when he said he was my dad. I made him show proof of his name. I still remember him giving me his driver's license with his name on it before I believed it. I was 8 years-old and demanded proof of his identity. I was a brave and bold little girl! My older brother was so afraid of my father, he locked the door to the house to ensure my father could not come inside, thus I was locked outside with him. I did not care. I thought this man was going to rescue me. I remember feeling free and experiencing hope....it was a novel experience and I wanted to hold onto this emotion for as long as I could. My father told me he wanted my brother and me to live with him. I believe he had his wife with him, but I could not tell you if this is a true memory, as everything in my being was focused on him and freedom.
My father left to talk with my step-father. Whatever transpired between my step-father and my father severed my chance for freedom and I never saw my father again. He did not come to say good-bye. He left me and took the hope with him. I wonder if he cared or understood the magnitude of his loss. I would like to ask him. The final nail in the relationship occurred when my parents rights were officially severed. My father did not show up to court. He did not fight it. He simply gave his parental rights away.
Disposable child
I learned on that day I was not loved, not enough to save or treasure. I was disposable. I often wondered if people would even notice if we were gone. Could we disappear and nobody notice? Would people care? Would they be happy or relieved if we were gone? Were we a reminder of mistakes?
I was reminded every time I looked in the mirror of my mother. I was not identical to her, but resembled her very much in my hair, eye color and build. This has been very difficult to live with - because I look like her does this mean I am going to be crazy too? Does this mean I will go from man to man looking for that elusive happiness that will never arrive because the person is not happy with herself? Will I spend my life in and out of hospitals? Will I be a horrible mother?
Differences
I am taller than my mother, a gift from my very tall father. I am more emotionally intelligent than my parents. I am more resilient, as well. When my life gets tough, I don't quit, like both of them did. I am not a quitter.
Proof of existence
At the same time, I always felt a need to prove myself, to be worthy of my existence. "See, look at how many degrees I have. I am smart." "Look, I have been married 17 years. My mother couldn't stay married 5 years." "I love my children. My parents loved themselves."
And.........just like my mother always looking for happiness outside of herself I did not find happiness this way either. I could have helped thousands of children work through their pain and it would not extinguish my pain. I was the only person who could work through my childhood and it had to come from within. I had a very good therapist who guided me on this path and now I truly realize.....
I AM NOT MY MOTHER!
My family destroyed my ego, they crushed it and hurt a child in more ways than even I can describe, but I survived the pain. I re-built my ego. My goal now is to thrive and move forward, to find the peace I long for........
My father's name is John Robert Wills. He was in the United States Army in 1972 and was stationed at Fort Riley, KS. He moved back to his home state of either New Mexico or Arizona after he divorced. If anyone reading this knows anyone of this name please feel free to let him know a woman who could possible be his long-lost daughter would like to meet him. I would like to know my history - I would like to know what he looked like, what his family looked like. I would like to have all of the biological pieces.
My name is Angela Irene Wills - Bush - Watson. I am a beautiful person. I have three amazing siblings:
Lisa Jane Martin - 40 years old
Anthony Martin - 42 years old
John Robert Wills - 36 years old
these are their biological names, not adopted... I miss you and love you!
Who am I?
My father's name is John Robert Wills. He was married to my mom (Cheryl Crabbs-maiden name) approximately in 1971-1974'ish. I was the first born child of this union. I have a brother born 2 years after me - John Robert Wills Jr. - we called him Johnny. I have vague memories of my father. I know he was a tall, slender man with brown hair. I can not even remember his eye color. I remember feeling loved with him. My grandfather used to tell me stories about how much my father loved me, how I was the apple of his eye and he cuddled with me. I tend to believe this due to the lingering nurturing memories I have of him.
My last memory of my father was shortly before we went into foster care. I had not seen him in several years, and he showed up at our house. I did not recognize him or believe him when he said he was my dad. I made him show proof of his name. I still remember him giving me his driver's license with his name on it before I believed it. I was 8 years-old and demanded proof of his identity. I was a brave and bold little girl! My older brother was so afraid of my father, he locked the door to the house to ensure my father could not come inside, thus I was locked outside with him. I did not care. I thought this man was going to rescue me. I remember feeling free and experiencing hope....it was a novel experience and I wanted to hold onto this emotion for as long as I could. My father told me he wanted my brother and me to live with him. I believe he had his wife with him, but I could not tell you if this is a true memory, as everything in my being was focused on him and freedom.
My father left to talk with my step-father. Whatever transpired between my step-father and my father severed my chance for freedom and I never saw my father again. He did not come to say good-bye. He left me and took the hope with him. I wonder if he cared or understood the magnitude of his loss. I would like to ask him. The final nail in the relationship occurred when my parents rights were officially severed. My father did not show up to court. He did not fight it. He simply gave his parental rights away.
Disposable child
I learned on that day I was not loved, not enough to save or treasure. I was disposable. I often wondered if people would even notice if we were gone. Could we disappear and nobody notice? Would people care? Would they be happy or relieved if we were gone? Were we a reminder of mistakes?
I was reminded every time I looked in the mirror of my mother. I was not identical to her, but resembled her very much in my hair, eye color and build. This has been very difficult to live with - because I look like her does this mean I am going to be crazy too? Does this mean I will go from man to man looking for that elusive happiness that will never arrive because the person is not happy with herself? Will I spend my life in and out of hospitals? Will I be a horrible mother?
Differences
I am taller than my mother, a gift from my very tall father. I am more emotionally intelligent than my parents. I am more resilient, as well. When my life gets tough, I don't quit, like both of them did. I am not a quitter.
Proof of existence
At the same time, I always felt a need to prove myself, to be worthy of my existence. "See, look at how many degrees I have. I am smart." "Look, I have been married 17 years. My mother couldn't stay married 5 years." "I love my children. My parents loved themselves."
And.........just like my mother always looking for happiness outside of herself I did not find happiness this way either. I could have helped thousands of children work through their pain and it would not extinguish my pain. I was the only person who could work through my childhood and it had to come from within. I had a very good therapist who guided me on this path and now I truly realize.....
I AM NOT MY MOTHER!
My family destroyed my ego, they crushed it and hurt a child in more ways than even I can describe, but I survived the pain. I re-built my ego. My goal now is to thrive and move forward, to find the peace I long for........
My father's name is John Robert Wills. He was in the United States Army in 1972 and was stationed at Fort Riley, KS. He moved back to his home state of either New Mexico or Arizona after he divorced. If anyone reading this knows anyone of this name please feel free to let him know a woman who could possible be his long-lost daughter would like to meet him. I would like to know my history - I would like to know what he looked like, what his family looked like. I would like to have all of the biological pieces.
My name is Angela Irene Wills - Bush - Watson. I am a beautiful person. I have three amazing siblings:
Lisa Jane Martin - 40 years old
Anthony Martin - 42 years old
John Robert Wills - 36 years old
these are their biological names, not adopted... I miss you and love you!
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