generational curse ?

My son is experiencing increased anxiety (daddy is getting ready to deploy) and has had to have several medication changes. There is still some biological questions regarding bi-polar disorder with him. This terrifies me. I have very vivid memories of my mother's highs and lows, and her medication addictions. I don't want this for my children.

I have found myself cursing my biological mother out in my head and out loud several times, screaming "Why did you have to pass down your biological chemistry to my children? Why?! They don't deserve this! I don't deserve this! I hate you!" This is not healthy and only leads to increased depressive and anxiety symptoms for me, but I find it is still there in the back of my head.

My oldest brother gave me good advice and discussed generational curses and encouraged me to tackle mental health symptoms from the spiritual side. He encouraged me to continue the biological and chemical components - medication management, therapy, wrap-around services, etc, as well.

I do believe in God. I pray to him and he has answered my prayers. At the same time, this does not mean I don't question him and have blind faith at all times. Why us? Why our family? Why do children have to deal with the trauma caused at such a young age? I need the Bible and the psychological literature to understand this dilemma.

I want the curse to end. On my maternal biological side the dysfunction can be traced back 3 generations - with addiction, suicide, severe and persistent mental health illness and abuse/neglect of children. Several things have ended with my generation, because of adoption. I learned by observation, teaching and nurturing how to be a productive member of society and how to be a parent/spouse/friend. This does not mean there aren't days where I don't have to take a step back and ask myself "Is this healthy? Is this a rational or irrational response? Is this a trigger from my childhood?" It has taken me 38 years to learn how to ask these questions and utilize healthier coping and communication techniques. I still fight this curse, and fight is an appropriate verb - it is a fight for a healthy life.

I am praying for the ability to truly forgive my mother for her flaws, her abuse, her inability to parent. I am praying for the ability to forgive her because she gave me life. I thought I had forgiven her in the past. I realize this can not be true, as if you forgive someone you no longer have extreme anger, and I do. I don't want to have this anger and hurt. I am asking for help in prayer. Please pray for me to find this forgiveness. Please pray for all children who have been wounded to have forgiveness and peace in their lives.

Life after adoption is hard. I am thankful for my adopted family and for my biological siblings for loving me both before and after adoption.

BTW - I am going to Colorado to spend Christmas with my brothers. This will be the first Christmas we are together in approximately 28 years!