good but scary news

I haven't been on here in almost two months, and I could give any number of rational excuses for this.....they would be just that - rationalizing. This blog has been hard for me. I started it as an avenue of healing for myself, and while it has been cathartic in some ways it has also been emotionally draining in others.

I have placed my emotions that have been contained for years on this blog. I have allowed the bleeding and pain to show, and have received love from my readers. Part of my family have told me the blog is too hard for them to read because it is so sad. I would say "Why is it so sad?" This is a blog of healing and humor until it hit me directly in my gut - it isn't! I have had such damage and loss that has impacted every particle of my being, of course it is sad. That would be why I cry everytime I am on the blog.

This insight has kept me away from here. I hadn't reached out to my siblings - I was too scared to do this. This action would actually force me to examine ME and all those emotions I didn't want to examine. My mom encouraged me, my friends encouraged me and I was still frozen. I have had physical health issues the past month impacting not only my quality of life but also my fear for my future. I had 3 tumors removed from my back a week ago which were causing debilitating back pain. The dr's weren't sure if they were cancerous (they were benign). Even with the fear of death I could not move forward on the blog or my family. I pushed it aside...

God, and I do believe this is from God, stepped in to unfreeze me and take this responsibilty away. My sister found me! She found my husband on Facebook. She than gave me my oldest brother's phone number and of course I didn't call him for 2 weeks, until she sent me a message today and encouraged me to call.

I called him today and he has my youngest brother's phone number and is going to give it to me. He has also been looking for us. The four of us are all - at the same time - wanting to reconnect.

Anthony wants us to all get together and talk about our childhood memories to let them go and move forward - to be a family again. I do too, but I am more scared than I think I have ever been in my life. I will have to experience so much that I have ran away from....

We are planning a get-together the end of August - just us - no children or spouses this time, a safe place to release the demons, to let them go. I am terrified. I can't hide from the pain anymore. This is really the purpose of this blog. My life is real and I had no childhood. I was 1 of 4 children who walked through hell and we are ready to walk through hell again to have our life, our existence, our family ties back. I am in awe.

Please give me the strength to do this. Please give me the strength to let all of the wall I have so carefully built.....fall down.

I love my brothers and sister. I love them so much and I love me too. We deserve this change to move forward and find peace. We deserve happiness! I want them to know this, and I want every child who has walked through hell to know it too.......you are worth it. You deserve happiness and peace.